Out of all of the goals on the list for 2004, I know how to do all of the items but one.
Made fabulous progress last year in professional and nonprofit activities. I know how to stay fit and eat well, though it’s hard to do when working a zillion hours at a start-up. I kept the resolution to stay in touch with friends and keep social commitments, even when really busy. I completed some small but useful programming projects; learned how to build things small steps at a time and debug.
Gosh, I’m even procrastinating getting to the point. I’d love to meet the right guy, and don’t know how to do it. So I’d love your advice, dear readers.
There are two methods that people recommend:
Method 1) Have an active life, do things you enjoy, and meet interesting people. Eventually, you’ll meet someone who’s right for you. Or someone you meet will introduce you.
This method is fun and relatively easy. But sloooow. I met and briefly dated someone through a non-profit connection, who’s super-smart, fun and capable; not right for an LTR for me, and we’re friends now. That was one guy in a year.
Method 2) Market yourself. First, ask everyone you know to fix you up. This hasn’t had any results so far. I guess I can try again…
Next, fill out profiles on the online dating services. Browse profiles and send form letters to plausible-sounding guys. Meet for coffee. The results of this approach have been amusingly disastrous. Outside of “dates”, I meet people I like and make new friends all the time. On “dates” with guys selected by profiles, I meet people who are wildly unsuitable — a guy whose favorite activity is gambling; a guy who wears a concealed handgun at all times; a guy who doesn’t wash. Ask me for more amusing stories, if you like.
This isn’t fun, and hasn’t had any good results so far. So I procrastinate. I put it on my to-do list every single weekend, and lo and behold, do everything else.
Gentle readers:
* Shall I continue to pursue method 1, and trust that the universe will make a connection?
* Or shall I smile sweetly, take a photograph with a tighter sweater, and write more form letters?
Advice welcome.
p.s. If you’re a single guy who reads my blog, feel free to drop me a note. Ditto if you know someone I should meet.
p.p.s. So, you ask… why is such a nice girl still single? Dated the same guy for a long time, during my mid-20s/early 30s when most people hook up, and didn’t marry him.
Darling – if only i knew… I’m in a relatively equal bind. Meet nice intellectual girl via the Lex? I think not.
Darling – if only i knew… I’m in a relatively equal bind. Meet nice intellectual girl via the Lex? I think not.
I had good luck with online personals, and it was a good exercise to write my ad and get clear in my own mind what I was looking for. I was also frank about myself. It’s par for the course to contact (or be contacted by) many, meet some of them face to face, go out with a few, date even fewer more than once. But I met my husband online — via Dave Winer, though, not exactly through my yahoo personal ad.
http://www.anitarowland.com/journal/1998/061298.html
do you have your ad posted on your site?
I tried method #2 a couple of times and truly hated it. I don’t think blind dates are fun, and the online dating sites like Nerve, Match, etc. made me cringe. Eventually I gave up on the whole dating concept and focused on having a satisfying life as a single person. Which I did.
And Adina, you were there for most of the meeting-and-falling-for-boyfriend thing that happened to me last year, which was entirely unplanned. My point is that I think you can’t really control these things, they just happen. You can put yourself in a position to increase the odds of their happening, which is what method #1 does, but you should be doing those things for your own enjoyment and the bit where cute guys are there too is a side benefit. Method #2 is fine if you enjoy a variety of casual dating experiences, but if you don’t … don’t do it.
One problem with the #1 approach is that after 35 or so, the available pool of single people dries up considerably. Yes, there are always spouses dying and divorcing (unfortunately) but there is MUCH less of a crowd of “single people hanging out.” Especially if you work at home for yourself, there are very few places to meet a large enough pool of single men that you can just be friends amidst a sea of “single people hanging out” prior to dating.
I always found lovers through that kind of environment and ever since 40, it simply does not exist. You HAVE to “date” just to meet ANYONE available (I guess unless you work in some environment where you meet new and interesting mature men all the time). Even the community-based or arranged dating situations like Speeddating and its ilk have vastly more events for people under than over 40. And the ones they do have, guys do not sign up. Basically, single men over 40 disappear from social life.
I hate “dating” and have never been good at it and would much rather meet guys through casual social networks, but it is very difficult. I really envy people in their 20s and 30s who have a large pool of friends within which they can swim unself-consciously.
Christina, the comment on the transactionality of dating is right-on. I have a generous side and a judgmental side. When I meet people through friends, I’m more likely to like them, and find things to like about people with mixed qualities. When I meet guys on a date, I’m more likely to find things to dislike.
I didn’t make a decision fast enough with Mr. LTR (who reads the blog, and is a a good friend now, after a lot of water under the proverbial bridge). I think he’d agree with you on the reason, and I’d disagree, but it’s a long long story).
Christina and Jette, emotionally I agree with what you’re saying. I grew up with brothers, I like guys, and my good relationships have all been friends-first. Also, I’m a lot happier doing fun things by myself and in non-date social situations than seeking out blind dates, which are no fun at all.
I’m concerned about the demographic problem that Yehudit is talking about. Though I am in professional and non-profit circles where I meet lots of men, many of them are spoken for.
Also, one of the communities I’m involved with is quite prejudiced against single women. The strong temptation is to avoid the scene, since I don’t have the patience to put up with second class citizenship. Male elbow-decoration would improve social status significantly. It’s quite trying to my feminist self-esteem.
Anita, I thought the purpose of an ad wasn’t to say what you were looking for but to sell yourself. Which always sends me into paroxysms of anxiety about needed to be appear lesss intellectual, less entrepreurial, and more domestic. And either more or less religious, depending on the audience.
Danah, I’ll keep an eye out 🙂
And thanks, everybody.